Saturday, January 9, 2010

Getting Hot in 2010 (Richmond, VA)

I sleep in thermal underwear, heavy socks, and a thick robe two sizes too big, under a mountain of blankets and quilts. I keep two space heaters blazing, yet my hands are so cold (do I have to wear mittens to bed???) that I can't even hold up a magazine or book to read before I conk out. It takes a good 20 minutes every morning to talk myself into braving my way into the bathroom.

I must traverse a glacial room to reach the bathroom, which at least has a heater of its own. Depending on where I situate it, it blasts me in the face or on the feet. It tests every fiber of my being to disrobe, but I jump into the tepid shower water, wash up and wash down, jump out into the steamy but still frigid room, grab my robe, make a dash for the bedroom and, for one blessed moment, feel warm. The feeling fades quickly, as I shiver my way into my clothes.

It's just a bit less chilly downstairs. No heat emerges from the vent in the kitchen; that room is only bearable when the door to the guestroom is left open -- and that is impossible if you are opening the kitchen door. The only hot spots in the living room are the vents. Unfortunately, I can't fit into them.

Why is my house so damned cold?

Because my husband believes that minus 12 degrees Fahrenheit is the normal temperature for the interior of a home in the southern United States in winter?

Because that same man thinks that we can save billions of dollars per year by "keeping the heat down a bit" and convincing ourselves that the icicles forming on our eyelids are all in my imagination?

Because he thinks that if someone is cold she can dress in 13 layers of clothing and that it will not be a problem if she looks like the Michelin tire guy or a 2-year-old in a snow suit or too much sausage meat overloading its casing and, therefore, cannot move and that THAT IS PERFECTLY FINE?

Or could it be that the squirrels, raccoons, bears, vampires or whatevers the hell are keeping me awake at night by dragging bodies across the ceiling and that live in the space between the roof and said bedroom ceiling that no human being could possibly squish his/her body into to get rid of whatever they are, are gnawing through the heat ducts and/or dragging the heating system into the neighboring house?

Or are the vents, thermostats, heat pumps and other mechanical systems in this house waging a vendetta against the humans who inhabit what the others think is their domain?

Or all of the above????

I don't know, but I can't take much more of this. If things don't heat up fast at my house, things WILL heat up fast at my house!

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